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  I wanted the impromptu sailing lessons that always ended with me sipping wine while the captain grumbled about doing all the work. I wanted to watch movies naked on the sofa after mind-blowing sex while we fed each other popcorn. I wanted to walk on the beach with the cold wind at our backs and listen to his stories about a boat he’d sold or new ideas he had about growing his business. The low timbre of his voice and his contagious laughter soothed me. Neither of us had an agenda or a real clue about what came next. Whatever we were doing felt good and for now, that was enough.

  All it took was one stupid football game to fuck everything up. Truthfully, I knew it was coming. I knew it would be awkward but I hoped when our friends clued in that Zane and I were lovers, they’d be supportive. Or at least…not assholes.

  It was the second Sunday of January during playoff season. These games mattered. Or so they all told me. Since I was the one who cared the least about the outcome, I hosted. Everyone brought beer and chips but I was in charge of real food. Zane offered to help make chili but I decided to cater sandwiches to avoid any major cleanup afterward. Raucous cheering from the great room almost drowned out the doorbell. I called to Zane to answer it while I grabbed money to pay the deliveryman.

  We bumped into each other when he rounded the stairs holding a tray of sandwiches.

  “Wait. I didn’t pay him,” I said.

  “I got it.”

  “You did? Why?”

  “ ’Cause I’m nice like that.” He lowered his voice and bent his head before adding in a lascivious tone, “You can pay me back later.”

  My grin was so wide it hurt. I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. A real kiss. The kind lovers give one another in the spur of the moment when they can’t bottle the feeling inside for one more second. Knowing me, I probably made a gooey noise to go with it. I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t said the words aloud, but fuck…I was in love with Zane and it was getting very hard not to show it. Obviously.

  When someone cleared their throat noisily from the next room, I froze. “Oh. Fuck. I didn’t mean to do that,” I whispered.

  “I don’t mind.”

  “You don’t?”

  “Nah. Hey, if we keep the food and beer flowing, they’ll quit asking weird boyfriend questions after a while,” he said with a half laugh.

  “Boyfriend,” I repeated.

  Zane cocked his head curiously and nodded. “Yep. C’mon, boyfriend.”

  As far as big reveals go, it wasn’t terrible. Grant just shrugged and lunged for the sandwiches, Josh asked a dozen uncomfortable questions that were so over-the-top, we all ended up laughing. The one who worried me was Nick. He was quiet. Way too quiet.

  He sat where I usually did, peeling the paper from his beer bottle. He’d occasionally smile as though he was engaged in the conversation but he was quick to point out a play in the game and divert everyone’s attention. I would have been grateful but I couldn’t help thinking he was upset.

  I was right.

  * * *

  “Why didn’t you tell me you were fucking Zane?”

  I looked up from my computer in surprise the next morning. Nick was standing in my office doorway wearing a gorgeous gray suit and an irate expression. I stood quickly and gestured for him to close the door.

  “Jesus, Nick! What’s the matter with you?”

  “Your timing sucks. I broke up with Lisa.” He shoved his hand through his hair in frustration then slammed the door and moved toward me angrily. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Um…how about because it’s not your business? I’m sorry about you and Lisa, but you should have done it three months ago when—”

  “She thinks it’s you.”

  “Huh?”

  “Ugh! Eric, she thinks we’re a couple again. She thinks I left her for you.”

  “O-kay…I’m not sure why you lied but—”

  “We have to leave it that way. Telling the truth is only going to make it bad for Zane. Get it?”

  “How?”

  “We’re partners who used to sleep together. We have a history guys like Don Carrigan don’t understand.”

  “What does our history or our business have to do with Zane?” I asked, wiping my slick hands on my suit coat. Leave it to Nick to kill my Monday morning mellow mood. I was sure he was making a big deal out of nothing.

  “Don can fuck over Zane’s business a million times worse than anything he could do to EN Tech. Zane is a one-man shop. He rents his slips from every yacht club where Don sits on the board, from Tiburon and Sausalito to San Francisco. Sailing is a big fucking deal to Don, too. The sport and the people who do it are family to him, but they aren’t flesh and blood.” Nick sighed heavily as he fell into one of the chairs facing my desk. “I was going to tell you all yesterday, but you and Zane beat me to it. I broke up with Lisa Friday night. I’m not sorry about it. I know it’s the right decision and yeah, I know I should have done it months ago but—she was upset.”

  “I bet,” I whispered, unable to get my head around the repercussions. His reasoning was convoluted at best.

  “She had the dress, the invitations, the honeymoon…I made a fucking mess and I crushed her. I feel horrible, Er. Just horrible.”

  “I bet,” I said again in an even softer voice.

  “She thinks I left her for you.”

  “You said that, but…you didn’t so—”

  “Don’t you get it? I outed you.”

  “But I’m already out.”

  “Carrigan didn’t know you’re gay. Our business associates wouldn’t know based on appearance or affectation. You don’t act gay in your professional life.”

  I wanted to be insulted but it was true. I didn’t act stereotypically gay. But not because I was ashamed of who I was. It was simply a matter of the “business” me versus my private self.

  “Are you saying he’s a homophobe? I don’t think he is—”

  “No, but he’s pissed because he’s sure we’ve been pulling one over on him for months. Screwing each other while we take his money and I screw his daughter on the side.”

  “God, when you put it like that…” I scratched my head and willed my pulse to steady itself. Panicking wouldn’t solve this. “But that’s not what happened. Yeah, the part about you taking his money and screwing his daughter did, but…we were never really a couple, Nick. Whatever we had was over years ago. Zane has nothing to do with this.”

  “You should tell him.”

  “What exactly?” I paced from one end of my office to the other. “You lied. You made this mess. You fix it!”

  Nick let out a sigh then leaned forward so his elbows rested on his knees. “Okay. I’ll talk to Zane.”

  “What about Carrigan?”

  “He fucking hates me. I think I’ve done enough damage. I should lay low and concentrate on business. I suck at having a personal life.”

  “Maybe you—” I paused when Miles knocked on my office door with his signature three sharp raps. He peeked his head in a moment later.

  “I’m sorry to disturb you, sir, but you have a visitor.”

  Miles’ sunny disposition didn’t fit the mood Nick had brought. He was astute at reading cues, however. When he backed away to close the door I stopped him.

  “Don’t close it. Nick is on his way out.”

  Nick stood and moved toward me as Miles retreated, leaving the door open wide. “I’m sorry, Er. I’ll call him.”

  “He matters to me, Nick,” I said in a low voice.

  Nick came closer still. So close I could smell his aftershave and see the freckle on his earlobe. There was a time I would have leaned in to suck his lobe and lick at the shell of his ear before plastering myself against him. This tidal shift from friends to lovers and back again wasn’t normal. Once upon a time, I thought I could love Nick as more than a friend. I thought we could change the world. We literally had it all. Brains, beauty…well, he did, and passion. If he was any other ex, I would have cut him out of my life and zap
ped a zero return policy on his ass. But he was still my friend. Somehow I had to move past the mistrust, anger and even fear that he might ruin what I had with Zane.

  “You matter to me. I’m sorry.”

  “Then fix it.”

  Chapter 7

  Never trust anyone to solve your problems. I should have known better. There was no malicious intent involved. Nick wasn’t out to sabotage my relationship with Zane. He simply didn’t know how to unravel his mess, so he did what he always did when life got turbulent…he threw himself into work. And I stupidly mistook the quiet as confirmation he’d done what he said he would.

  To be fair, he did talk to Zane. He told him he’d broken off his engagement to Lisa and that the fallout would no doubt affect key partnerships with a few investors. However, that conversation happened on Super Bowl Sunday with a dozen or more guys screaming at the television in the background. Zane mentioned it to me in passing later that night when we were brushing our teeth. I’d had too much chardonnay and the rough sex we’d just had made me feel loopy. No doubt I’d wake up with a hangover and a sore ass. Nick’s news was old news to me and didn’t rank as particularly important. Until the shit hit the proverbial fan the following weekend.

  * * *

  Zane asked me to meet him Saturday morning at the Tiburon Yacht Club. He was delivering a boat he’d sold and needed a ride back to the city after he went through the bells and whistles with his client. A sense of déjà vu hit me when I left my car with the parking attendant. I hadn’t been here since Nick and Lisa’s engagement party last fall. In a way, that night had been our beginning. I pushed open the giant oak and wrought iron door and stepped into the lobby with a silly smile on my face. It froze a moment later when I spotted Don Carrigan holding court with a group of older gentlemen sporting the lifelong country club look.

  I was an outsider here, though I was pretty sure I had more money in my bank account than a few of them put together. Their sense of belonging was innate. They were born to a life of privilege that went beyond wealth. My pedigree wouldn’t impress anyone standing in that circle. They were too old, too white and too suspicious of anyone my age who hadn’t grown up with their children. The only way in was through business, and since the Nick and Lisa debacle, I had to assume that tie had been severed by my association with Don’s daughter’s ex.

  “Good morning,” I ventured in a friendly voice.

  I was treated to a five-way mumbled greeting with no trace of warmth. Ah, this was pleasant, I thought sarcastically. I glanced around the ornate lobby, hoping Zane would magically appear so we could get the hell out. I moved toward the French doors. He was probably still on the dock and hadn’t seen my text message.

  “Schuster!”

  Too late. I turned back as Don ambled my way. He looked angry. And for the millionth time I was pissed Nick had set this charade in motion months ago.

  “Hello Don. I’m looking for Zane. He’s—”

  “Get the hell out of here. Now.” His normally ruddy complexion had a red tint that indicated he was fueled by anger and a few Bloody Marys.

  “I’ll be on my way as soon as—”

  “Now. You’ve got a lot of nerve showing your face here after what you’ve done, boy.”

  “Actually, I didn’t—”

  “Hey, honey.” Zane kissed my cheek then wrapped his arm around my waist protectively and stepped between Don and me. “Am I interrupting something?”

  Don cast a confused look between Zane and me. “Do you know about him?”

  Zane’s brow creased but he tightened his hold around me and smiled kindly at the older man. “Know about what?”

  “He and Jorgensen are literally in bed together.”

  “Well, I know that’s not—”

  I elbowed Zane and shook my head. “Shh.”

  “Hmph. Be careful around this one. He has no moral compass whatsoever,” he said to Zane before turning to address me. “You should be ashamed of yourself. EN Tech may be sitting pretty for now, but you’ll need funding for some new project to keep you relevant in the future. Let me warn you…I’ve got a long memory.”

  “What are you talking about?” Zane asked, dropping his friendly tone.

  Don snorted. “Ask him. You may reconsider your so-called friendship. This man is as crooked as his lover.”

  “I’m his lover,” he replied. His eyes took on a feral quality as though he was warning the older man to proceed with caution.

  “What?”

  I held up my hands and waved them over my head. Holy crap. Zane didn’t know what he was doing.

  “No! That’s not true. We’re just friends. Don’t, Zane.” I gave him a meaningful look I knew he couldn’t decipher. It was too panicky to make sense. “Um…look I’m sorry about Nick. I don’t know what he told you but—”

  “Then let me share. Nick told my daughter you were the love of his life. He said you’d been together for years but kept quiet for the sake of business. He apologized for misleading her but he couldn’t live without you. I’d have been charmed if he hadn’t used her to get to my money and then broken her heart. I knew he was someone to keep an eye on, but you—I trusted you, Eric.”

  “I’m sorry. Truly. I—I should go. I’ll see you later, Zane.”

  I headed toward the exit at a fast clip. I heard raised voices and then an eerie quiet, but I didn’t turn around. I had to get the hell out. Distance was the only way to keep this from touching Zane. Nick’s crappy decision-making shouldn’t affect Zane’s livelihood. This would blow over eventually but for now—

  “Whoa! Where are you going?”

  I handed the attendant my receipt before glancing at Zane. “Home,” I said in a flat tone.

  “Me too. I’m assuming you came out here to pick me up and that showdown with your ex’s ex almost in-law was an unrehearsed side show. Either way, I want an explanation.”

  “Zane…I—”

  I didn’t know what to say. I felt dirty and horribly unworthy of him. I needed space to regroup and figure out how to change that. Zane darted in front of me, tipped the valet and growled low in my ear.

  “Get in the fucking car. I’m driving.”

  We rode in silence for a while. I stared out the window at the passing cars and tried to formulate a plan. When Zane pulled off the freeway at the same off-ramp he had months ago, I wasn’t surprised. I should have felt a rush of excitement to find myself here with him again. This meant something to him. In spite of my turbulent thoughts I knew this gesture was his way of telling me I did too.

  He parked in the same space overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was a cool, overcast February day. Daylight made the visibility only slightly better than our last visit, but the fog was rolling in. Soon it would be hard to see much at all.

  “What happened back there? Why did you let Don think you and Nick are together?”

  I closed my eyes briefly then took a deep breath. “Because I don’t want him to mess with you, Zane. I’m poison. Or maybe Nick is…but I am too by association. Get it?”

  “No. I think you’re nuts, though. All by yourself. No association necessary.”

  I scowled as I swiveled in my seat to face him. “You can’t let Don know we’re…us. He can’t touch EN Tech, but he can fuck up your relationship in the sailing world and—”

  “Oh, please.” Zane rolled his eyes. “He’s not God, Eric. He’s a pissed off dad. And you know what? He has every right to be. Nick is an asshole. He doesn’t think about anyone but himself. He’s reckless and greedy and arrogant to a fault.”

  “I know. But if Don—”

  “I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself. I’ve done it all my life. I don’t need you to fix things for me the way you do for Nick.”

  I stared back at the water. An old quote by John Donne I remembered from a Lit class in college sprang to mind: “No man is an island.” We rely on one another for food, shelter, comfort, support. If we were just friends, I’d agree with him. Zane was a big bo
y and he was capable of dealing with whatever BS came his way. But lovers were supposed to be something more. Something I lacked.

  “I want to go back to just being friends,” I said in weak voice.

  Waves crashed ferociously on the rocks far below. Seagulls squawked loudly as they scrounged for lunch. But inside the car, it was quiet. Too quiet.

  I opened my car door and was immediately hit by a powerful gust of wind. I shoved my hands in my pockets but it was like giving someone an umbrella in a monsoon. Utterly useless. I was shivering in earnest when Zane bumped my arm and then placed his jacket over my shoulders.

  “Come on, friend. It’s cold out here.”

  He tugged at my elbow but I didn’t move. I shook my head and to my absolute horror felt tears sting my eyes. “I’m fine. Go on without me.”

  Zane let out a hearty chuckle. “You want me to take your car and leave you on a cliff overlooking the ocean on a fuck-ass cold day?”

  “Well, when you put it like that…”

  “Come here.” He held his arms open in invitation and smiled.

  “I just broke up with you. Why are you doing this? You should be yelling at me. You should leave me here. You should tell me I’m crazy and stupid and the worst asshole you ever met. You shouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

  “But I do.” Zane stepped closer. “I love you, Eric.”

  My breath caught audibly. “I—”

  “And I don’t want to leave you or yell at you. I’m crazy about you. You’re sweet and funny and kind. I want you more than I can possibly tell you with words, but…let me try.” He licked his bottom lip as though he was nervous but still determined. “I love your smile. I love your sexy body and your fussy manners. But most of all…I love your heart. I love the way you take care of everyone else before yourself. You’re smart as hell but you don’t make anyone feel inferior. You’re the reason our oddball group of friends is connected. You’re the glue. But to me…baby, you’re fucking magic.”